As a fitting coda to my series on making friends in another country, last night Tawn and I went to a small “farewell dinner” for Stuart and Piyawat.  They have moved to Phuket, an island town on the Andaman coast (the western coast of Thailand’s ithmus) an hour’s flight away.

Above, the “mega-bridge” project that opened last year.

Dinner was at Buri Tara, an upscale Thai seafood restaurant done up in an Asian modern style.  Located right on the Chao Phraya River between the Rama IX bridge and the “Mega Bridge” complex, we enjoyed some really tasty food, pretty strong drinks, and the slightly too loud crooning of the evening’s singer.

Left to right: Vic, Stuart, Todd, Piyawat, Tawn and me.

Most important of all was the company, a chance to get together and say farewell to two good friends who are abandoning the Big Mango for a slice of tropical paradise and new work opportunities.  We’ll be visiting soon, I’m sure.

The story of my experiences making friends in a new country, continued from Part 3. 

If you missed it, you can start here at Part 1.

Encountering Differences

Along the way of meeting people and making friends in a new country, I’ve encountered situations where differences have shown themselves: differences between types of social activities and ways people like to socialize; differences in the ways people relate to the local culture and the effort they make to be aware of, respect and adapt to it; differences in the ways people treat their own intimate relationships; and differences in the ways people wish to see the world, the degree to which they want to try new things or not, the degree to which they are okay being at the edge of their comfort zone.

Certainly, you say, differences are to be expected because, after all, we are all unique, right? 

This is true, but for me it is a new set of experiences.  I wonder if, when you are making friends with people in school or through work, you tend to not notice the differences so easily simply because you start out with so much in common.

Maybe seeing the differences more clearly from the start makes building friends from scratch more of a challenge.  Maybe this challenge ensures that once those friendships are cast, they are more lasting. 

For example, you can compare friends made in school with bricks made from clay.  A freshly made brick can still easily disintegrate.  It can also easily be reformed and even disintegrate again.  But the effects of heat, time and pressure harden the bricks into a foundation for your life that weathers the decades well.  So it is with friends we make in school and work and, in general, our childhood.

Compare friends made from scratch in a new country to blocks carved from stone.  Initially, it is difficult to see the shape of the block within the stone.  The process of learning about the things you have in common with the person is akin to the labor needed to chisel the block to size.  This additional effort in initial construction creates something that is a good fit for the ages, just as the stones in the Great Pyramids lock together so smoothly.

Conclusion

In the end, I wonder when the point is that I will see these people that I’ve met here in the same way that I view the friends I left behind.  Will there be a point where I realize that I’m just as close to them as I am with my friends of old?  Will it just happen gradually?  Will there be some people for whom that point never comes?

Maybe it is simply a matter of not letting go.  Perhaps in some recess of my mind I don’t see this as my new home (although I think I do) and am hesitant to see these new people in the same way as I see my old friends for fear that it means that I’ll have to let go of my old friends.

As I said at the beginning, this is a new experience for me.  The first time in my life having to do this totally from scratch and as such, it gives me an opportunity to look at myself more closely, an opportunity to be observant of my thoughts and feelings rather than to let them happen without reflection.

Ultimately, maybe I am worrying too much about a process that will manage to sort itself out as all things in nature do.  Perhaps I should adopt a Buddhist mindset: treat others with compassion and kindness and don’t worry about who is a friend and who isn’t, right?  After all, the Thais say that the problem with farang is that we think too much.

I hope you enjoyed this series and I invite your thoughts and comments.

The story of my experiences making friends in a new country, continued from Part 2.  If you missed it, you can start here at Part 1.

Defining Friendship

One of the challenges I’ve run into when making friends from scratch, is understanding what “friendship” means to me.  I’ve not thought about it that closely before.

From what I’ve read and learned, different cultures define friendship differently.  In some cultures – the French, for example – families have known each other for generations and while people will be polite and helpful to newcomers, attaining the label of “friend” could take several decades, if not generations. 

In Southern California on the other hand, it seems that you can become someone’s best friend in less time than it takes to get stuck on the 405 freeway.  But those friendships seem to evaporate just as mysteriously as a traffic jam, with no rhyme or reason behind why it went away or what caused it in the first place.

Numerous guidebooks for expats in Thailand warn that the natural friendliness of Thais shouldn’t be mistaken as close friendship.  They may confide many things in you because they see you as someone outside the rigid hierarchy of Thai society.  It is that same hierarchy, though, that will forever keep you in a certain place that isn’t quite friendship.

A question that came up from some readers was whether I’ve developed any close friendships with Tawn’s friends.  While they are nice people and most make an effort to engage with me when we socialize together, we haven’t developed any unique friendships.  Looking back to our time in San Francisco, I think there are two or three of my friends with whom Tawn would hang out on occasion in my absence.  I can’t imagine any of Tawn’s friends here in Krungthep inviting me out while Tawn was out of town.

A Haphazard Process

I’ve met many people here – most of them nice people.  They come from many different countries and backgrounds.  Granted, there is a disproportionate representation of gay American men, but there is still some diversity to the larger group.

The process of meeting these people has been haphazard.  Sometimes it has been through chance meetings.  Other people read my blog or trip reports and, being in similar relationships to mine, have contacted me, giving us a common starting ground.  I meet other people when several degrees of separation are closed by a mutual acquaintance.

I continue to try other ways of meeting people.  I’ve attended events at the Foreign Correspondents’ Club and joined Democrats Abroad Thailand and met interesting people.  I’ve even posted an advertisement in the “strictly platonic” section of the Craigslist website that resulted in meeting one person, who has now moved off to Australia.

I’ve tried meeting Thais.  In general, the Thai women seem less comfortable making friends with a random farang.  Some Thai men I’ve met are attached to farang partners, so the group grows by pairs.  Other Thai men may or may not be attached, but Tawn gets suspicious of their true intentions – probably rightfully so.  On top of it, there is some truth to the previously mentioned expat guidebook warnings about the challenges of making friends with locals.

It is the haphazard nature of these meetings that I think makes the process strange for me.  Meeting people through school or work, as has been most of my previous experience, ensured that there were a lot of common interests and experiences to begin with.  Nowadays, the common ground is less clear at first, other than knowing we are all expats.

Slowly, connections and common ground have become clearer amidst the haphazardness.  Along the way, I’ve had some really good conversations, shared experiences, and situations that create unique connections with others.  I’ve learned from their many perspectives.  I’ve certainly had the opportunity to commiserate with others who are going through the same expat experiences as I.

But how many of these haphazardly-met people will really develop into friends?

To be concluded tomorrow…

The story of my experiences making friends in a new country, continued from Part 1.   

Tawn’s Experiences

Not long after I turned 30, Tawn moved to the US to study for his Master’s degree.  He went through the process I’m experiencing now: adopting my friends – but generally never feeling a close connection with them – and making new friends locally but often finding the primary common ground was native language or country of origin.

There was one person in particular with whom it seemed certain he would become the best of friends: they were both Thai men from Khrungthep, both in relationships with American men, and both had worked as flight attendants for United Airlines.  Lots in common, right?  Even this was not enough as the friendship faded over time.

After our commitment ceremony in 2004, I spent fourteen months in Kansas City after Tawn preceded me to Thailand.  During that time I didn’t need to make any new friends.  Not only was I busy with work, but I already had my family members and a few long-time friends there.  Plus, just as in Hong Kong, I knew my time there was limited; no need to invest in new friends.

Moving to Thailand

Moving to Thailand in late 2005 I found myself for the first time in my life with a truly blank slate.  There was Tawn, of course, and his friends.  They are nice people and there are a few of them with whom I get on quite well.  But they are his friends, not mine.  They have their own history and secret language, their shared jokes and memories.

From what I can tell, creating friends as an expat is similar to the experience of creating friends any time you move to a new place, compounded by the challenge of a much smaller pool of people with whom you can readily communicate.  Sure, you can – and should – make friends with people with whom you do not share linguistic fluency, but most people will understandably gravitate towards others with whom they can communicate readily.

This is especially true the longer you stay in a place; the novelty of the experience of being in a new land wears off at least a bit, as does the willingness to smile, nod, and just be thankful you have someone – anyone – with whom to hang out.  Eventually, you want to establish real, meaningful friendships rather than simply acquaintances with whom to go do things.

The experience over nearly four years here has been a fascinating one, one that has caused me to really explore the meaning and nature of friendship, one that has enabled me to look closely at my own values and expectations, and one that leaves me smiling wryly at the intricacies of human nature – mine and everyone else’s.

To be continued tomorrow…

The past year has seen a lot of coming and going amongst my friends here in Thailand.  Roka left for Australia, Markus and Tam left for Germany, Stuart and Piyawat moved to Phuket, Todd has returned from Dallas after eighteen months away and other friends are arriving and departing regularly.  The subject of making friends in a new country has been turning over in my mind for almost a year; a blog entry in the making, if you will. 

This is a subject I’ve wanted to write about because the experience of making friends in a new country creates an opportunity for self-reflection: What are my interests and values?  What are my expectations of friendship?  What are the common denominators of my friends?  Most importantly, how do you make friends where none existed before?

I’ll present this in a four-part series of entries.  Sorry that there are no food pictures along the way; I hope you’ll bear with me.

Life in a Nest

For me, this is something of a first in a lifetime experience.  I spent the first 23 years of my life living in the same house.  During that time, I had many occasions to make new friends, but most of the time my friends came from a fairly consistent group of people, mostly classmates or members of my church. 

Graduating to a new school meant meeting new people, but there was always a large group of people around me who spoke my language, attended my classes, and with whom I had a lot in common – even if they came from different countries or cultures than my own, which was often the case.

Even when I started working at age 16, I developed friendships with my coworkers readily.  That is common in most jobs, but it was especially so in my workplace – a cinema – because our work schedule was primarily evenings and weekends, the same times when most other people would be out socializing.

Throughout university, things were much the same.  The friends I made at school were classmates, leaders of other student organizations (I was the president of the gay and lesbian student group), or other disc jockeys at the campus radio station.  Common interests and studies created fast and, in many cases, lasting friendships.

Leaving Home

After nearly a quarter century in the same nest, I moved from the Bay Area down to Los Angeles and then, a year later, to San Diego.  In both cities I continued to work long hours at busy cinemas.  Other than the occasional date here or there and a few university friends who lived nearby, most of my friends were coworkers.  Again, there was not much effort needed to build a circle of friends as people with common interests, experiences and working schedules, were readily at hand.

My first experience having zero friends and having to start from scratch came as I turned 28 and moved overseas for the first time, accepting a three-month assignment in Hong Kong.  Actually, I did have one friend of a friend there and he was very nice about including me in his social circle as my schedule allowed.  Outside of that I did start making some friends but, like most expats who know their time in a place is limited, I didn’t worry about developing a robust circle of friends.  Having a handful of acquaintances with which I could explore the city was enough.

Returning to the US, even as I made new friends, they were always an outgrowth of either existing, long-established friends or they were coworkers or other people I met through work.  Because of the “friend of a friend” nature of this networking, most people I met and all of the friends I made were essentially “pre-screened”: their interests and values, while diverse, were generally compatible with mine.

Continued in Part 2…