About christao408

An expat American who moved to Bangkok in 2005 with his partner (now husband). Life is a grand adventure and each experience is worth having if for no other reason than to remind us that we are alive.

Coming Out – Chapter 3

Posted on 12 October 2009 by christao408

Continued from Chapter 2

In the space of the next few days, I turned a lot of thoughts over in my head. In the form of this relationship, I had found a vessel to carry me away from the uncertainty and anguish of my high school years. Now, I felt like I had been thrown off the side of the ship and had no land in sight. How long could I stay afloat?

After much deliberation, I came to a stark realization that if I were going to continue living, I had to come to terms with who I really was. There could be no more lies, there could be no more hoping for the right girl. The problem was I didn’t know how to find my way towards the door of a closet from which I desperately needed to escape.

I decided to quit UC Riverside and move back home. In fact, I still have the list of pros and cons I used to help me make this decision. In the next few weeks, I canceled my tuition for the autumn term, sublet my apartment lease, arranged to transfer my job and applied for school at Santa Clara University, a small Jesuit school a few miles from my parents’ home.

For all the pros and cons, there was one primary reason I chose to move back. Continue reading →

Coming Out – Chapter 2

Posted on 11 October 2009 by christao408

Continued from Chapter 1

During the final two years of high school, I had my first concrete thoughts of myself as a possible homosexual. As I started dating girls and gaining an adolescent awareness of my sexuality, it became clearer to me that while I had feelings for those girls, the feelings were not the same as the thoughts I was having about other boys. This recognition did not just suddenly shift into focus but was something that I realized over time.

It is the same feeling as when you are putting together a picture puzzle and you manage to fit two pieces together, but deep down you know that the fit isn’t exact. You’ve forced it. Slowly, I recognized that the fit wasn’t right, that I was forcing it. And this recognition was filled with self-hatred. I remember thinking, maybe I am like that but even if I am, I would certainly never act on it!

It is hard to convey the anguish I felt, a sense of disappointment in myself that was so great that I came very close to committing suicide. Reflecting back on this time of my life, it is a little embarrassing to share. It seems so over-dramatic and is such a poor example of the person I’ve become. But at that time, the pain of self-hatred, of fear of being different, consumed me to such a great degree that I thought that ending my life might be the only option. Continue reading →

Coming Out – Chapter 1

Posted on 10 October 2009 by christao408

Introduction here

Coming out in seventh grade? I can scarcely imagine coming out in my early teens, but it seems that more and more young people in America are recognizing and vocalizing their sexual identity at an ever-earlier age. The NY Times Sunday Magazine did an in-depth story on this interesting phenomenon in late September.

The author of the article, who is also gay, had a hard time believing that people as young as 12 and 13 could possibly be self-aware enough to recognize their attraction to people of the same sex. But, as he pointed out, he was engaging in a double standard. When 12 and 13 year-olds express their interest in members of the opposite sex, we don’t think anything about this is odd. Why then would we think that someone that young couldn’t recognize their attraction to someone of the same sex?

Certainly, at that age I was starting to recognize those attractions in myself, even though I lacked the language to describe them. Young people these days have a much more positive image of gays and lesbians thanks to increased visibility in the media and the powerful influence of the internet and social networking sites.

If you asked me at what age I first knew I was gay, Continue reading →

Who Am I?

Posted on 9 October 2009 by christao408

“Who am I?” Meg, a DC-based blogger whose entries I always look forward to, took up the challenge from another blogger a few months back and wrote an entry answering that question. Finding it an interesting challenge, I sat down and drafted my own answer to the question, “Who am I?” I’ve never posted the response, but it led me to an interesting observation. My being gay plays a much larger role in defining who I am than I expected.

Had you asked me before how big a part of my life being gay is, I would have said that it is just a part of who I am, not the whole thing. While that is still true, I realize that the experience of struggling to come to terms with that aspect of myself has influenced many areas of my life and much of how I look at the world.

Instead of being just one aspect of my life, something that can be neatly segregated from the rest in the way that a divided cafeteria tray keeps the jell-o salad away from the enchilada casserole, my gayness is a theme that underlies my life, much in the same way that the saltiness of fish sauce provides a critical but subtle note of flavor in nearly all Thai dishes.

Sexual orientation as condiment? It is either a brilliant metaphor or a crass one; I’ll let you decide. Regardless, because it is such an underlying aspect of my life, I want to share a story with you. I want to tell you my coming out story.

Coming out stories are something of a currency within the gay culture. Being attracted to someone of the same sex, in and of itself, isn’t necessarily the criterion that makes for a cohesive community. But the nearly universal experience of recognizing your difference and then blindly finding a path through the darkness to the closet door is a common theme for all of us, whether gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered.

Another blogger to whom I subscribe recently wrote that he doesn’t see why gay people need to announce that they are gay. From his perspective, straight people don’t announce they are straight. Why can’t we all be who we are, without having to share it with the world? While I agree with his goal – universal acceptance – I disagree with his premise that straight people don’t announce they are straight. There are markers aplenty that send the message that you are straight, from wedding rings to photos of your spouse on your cubicle wall. When you are in the closet, you have to use fake markers or deception in order to avoid sending out unintended messages. It can be stressful and tiring to constantly undertake such subterfuge.

Over the next few days, I’ll share my coming out story in the course of four chapters. People who read this blog who know me personally have heard some parts of this story. Few, I suspect, have heard the whole thing. Among other readers, these next four chapters may provoke a wide range of feelings and reactions. Some readers have had very little exposure to gay people. Others have different attitudes than I about the rightness of homosexuality. Others are still, to one degree or another, in the closet. I look forward to discussing your feelings and reactions and invite you to share them.

Meanwhile, thank you for indulging me as I share this story and take a short break for cooking, travel and Thai culture entries.

Part 1 of the story begins here.

Crispy Parmesan Biscuits with Smoked Salmon

Posted on 8 October 2009 by christao408

About a month ago, Gary wrote an entry which documented another of W’s culinary exploits. The recipe in question was Crispy Parmesan Biscuits served with lemon butter, smoked salmon and rocket (arugula). The photos turned out wonderfully (no surprise there) and since I’m a biscuit man, I decided to try the recipe.

When it comes to biscuits, there are many schools of thought. I was raised on a rolled, buttermilk baking powder biscuit. But I enjoy exploring other types. This Food Network recipe is also has buttermilk and baking soda, but uses butter and olive oil instead of shortening, also has some corn meal in it, and is formed as a drop biscuit. Different textures, to be sure. It also has a hefty 5.5 ounces of grated Parmesan cheese!

The precooked biscuits, with flecks of green onion, looked appetizing. I wasn’t sure how large to make them. I also didn’t know how much they would spread out so I baked them in two batches instead of one. As it turns out, they don’t spread so much as they puff up, so fitting them more tightly on the tray would have been fine.

Fresh out of the oven, they had a lovely, cheesy smell. I let them cool on a rack, as instructed, before slicing and making the little sandwiches. While they cooled, I prepared the lemon butter, combining a healthy dose of lemon jest with softened butter.

The finished product, probably a little skimpy on the rocket and the salmon. They look great, but I have to tell you, they were a mess. The biscuits are very crumbly because of the use of liquid fat and butter instead of a solid shortening. Shortening = flakiness, butter = flavor + light crumble, oil = fine crumb. Also, the biscuits themselves were oily to the point of being greasy. I followed the recipe precisely, but wanted to stop and wash my hands after every few bites, they were so oily.

The flavor combination was excellent, though. Parmesan and buttermilk, the zest of the lemon, fatty smokiness the salmon, bitter crunch of the rocket. Wanting to perfect this, or at least get a heck of a lot better, I’m going to revisit this recipe in the next few weeks. I’ll start instead with my biscuit recipe, and substitute in some of the ideas from the Food Network’s recipe and see if we can get something that has the same flavor profile but with more structure.

Stay tuned for the results of that…

Week of Menus

Posted on 8 October 2009 by christao408

Joanne Choi has a blog called Week of Menus that I really like. I’ve written about it before. Her tagline – “Good cooking for moms with too much on their plate” sums up her approach. Food is healthy, tasty, and easy to prepare. About two weeks ago I made a meal that was composed of four of her recipes.

Two salads provides lots of fresh veggies. The first was a Curried Slaw made with green cabbage, red onions and carrots. I forgot to buy a carrot so my version was missing that extra dimension. Still, very taste as lots of curry powder gives it an exciting warmth while not being spicy.

The second salad was a Corn Salad with Tomatoes, Avocado and Cilantro. What a yummy way to use up fresh corn and cherry tomatoes. We’re fortunate to get corn year-round and while our varieties of larger tomatoes are pale and disappointing, our locally grown cherry tomatoes are also year-round winners. I didn’t measure my proportions very well and could have used a bit more avocado.

The main dish, one I’ve tried before, is Ground Pork and Green Beans over Rice. This can also be done as a lettuce wrap, which is how I did it last time. Joanne’s original recipe calls for ground turkey, but that’s not readily available here in Thailand. Made with hoisin sauce (and I added some water chestnuts), this dish has plenty of umami.

To complement the rich taste of the main course, I made the Cucumber Cilantro Salad, a pickle-like dish that was mildly spicy and a nice accompaniment. The dressing is made of soy sauce, red wine vinegar and sesame oil. A liberal sprinkling of sesame seeds and dried chili flakes added texture and flavor excitement.

Something I really like about our eating habits is that when I head to the checkout counter at the grocery store, nearly everything is a fresh vegetable, fruit or herb. There is some meat, dairy product and whole grains, but few prepared foods. I don’t say this to boast; I say this to make the point that it is possible to create really tasty, really healthy food even while living a busy life. If you would like some ideas to spark your creativity, check out Joanne’s website.

New Hot Spot: Sathorn and Naratiwat

Posted on 7 October 2009 by christao408

Similar to the other City of Angels in Southern California, Krungthep is very spread out, lacking a cohesive downtown. Driving through the city, you find high-rise buildings spread liberally throughout the metropolitan area. That said, there are a few areas with a concentration of office buildings, most prominently the stretch of Sathorn Road from Rama IV to Surasak Roads.

Figure A: Sathorn Road, looking east from the Naratiwat intersection. Decades ago, this was a wide canal with small roads on either side. The canal was lined with fruit trees that were eventually cut down so as to widen the roads.

Along this stretch, the Sathorn-Naratiwat intersection seems to be the new hot spot. Located next to the Chong Nongsi BTS Skytrain station, this intersection has several new condos, hotels and office buildings in various stages of construction or recent opening. Real Estate sections of the local newspapers tout this as the place with the most quickly rising land values in the whole city.

In a few years, this intersection will be home to the tallest building in Krungthep, MahaNakhon Bangkok, a 77-story tower that will include the new Ritz Carlton Residences, private condos and a luxury hotel. The pixelated design by Ole Sheeren (designer of the iconic CCTV Tower in Beijing) promises to add a unique focal point to the city’s skyline. Inspired by DNA, I have to wonder why anyone would buy into a building that looks like it is disintegrating.

Above, an artist’s rendering of MahaNakhon Bangkok.

Let me take you on a tour of the area. There are many interesting things going on here.

First, a map to give you an idea of where you are. The letters on the map correspond to other pictures in this entry and the arrows show the approximate direction of the view.

Figure B: Looking from the Chong Nongsi BTS Skytrain station platform southbound towards the Sathorn and Naratiwat intersection. The track makes a right-hand turn onto Sathorn Road, heading towards the Chao Phraya River. Most of the new construction is occurring on the right-hand side of this picture.

Below, another shot from the same platform, looking westbound between two buildings. The one on the right is a condo that recently opened. The one on the left is a mixed-use complex that is still under construction. In a rare act of historical preservation, the Bangkok Metropolitan Authority required that the former Russian Embassy (shown on the map above) be preserved and incorporated into the development. This beautiful colonial building is a treasure. Hopefully it will not be lost in a forest of tall buildings, just like the main character’s home in the recent Pixar movie, Up!

Figure C: From the Sathorn-Naratiwat intersection looking back towards the Chong Nongsi BTS Skytrain station. There is a new pedestrian walkway in a stalled stage of development. This is part of the “BRT” – Bus Rapid Transit – project that the previous governor of Krungthep started. This idea would create a light rail like network, but using buses instead. The infrastructure is less expensive to build than rail, which sounds fine by me.

The walkway would connect the Skytrain station to the BRT station on the other side of the intersection, visible in Figure E, below. The construction has stalled because of an investigation into how the project was procured. Once again, accusations of corruption. My opinion is that even if the rest of the BRT system remains stalled, completing this walkway would be a good idea. It is, after all, almost complete.

Figure D: This is a wider shot showing looking north towards the BTS Skytrain station. I took Figure C from the corner of the pedestrian bridge on the right-hand side of this photo. The only way to cross this very busy intersection is to use the pedestrian bridges. If you disembark at the BTS Skytrain station, you currently have to descend to the street level, navigate the vendor and motorcycle-strewn sidewalk, then climb back up the pedestrian bridge to cross Sathorn Road.

If the elevated walkway that is part of the BRT project were finished, it would provide a direct, sheltered connection for BTS Skytrain passengers who are going to the Sathorn-Naratiwat intersection. Sounds like a good idea to me!

Figure E: Pivoting 180 degrees to the left from Figure D, looking south along Naratiwat Road, you can see where the BRT station is in a frozen state of construction. There is another walkway that would connect that station to the pedestrian bridges at the Sathorn-Naratiwat intersection.

The big question is, why was I down in this neck of the woods in the first place? I have a Canon Laser Printer/Copier at home and had several used toner cartridges I wanted to recycle. None of the retailers who sell Canon toner will accept the used cartridges for recycling. After contacting Canon via email, a helpful employee called and explained that I could bring the cartridges to their headquarters to recycle them. Canon is on the ninth and tenth floor of a building that is just to the left of Figure E.

Just trying to do my part to save the world. I double-side my print jobs, too. Ha ha…

Yura An Cafe – Central World Plaza

Posted on 5 October 2009 by christao408

One of our largest malls is Central World Plaza. Formerly known as the World Trade Center (and renamed a few years after the September 11th attacks for obvious reasons), this mall underwent a doubling in size and renovation about three years ago. Something that Central World Plaza has an amazing number of is restaurants.

The entire top floor of the mall is nothing but restaurants, easily thirty sit-down restaurants situated shoulder to shoulder. A few weeks ago, Tawn and I decided to visit one we hadn’t tried before, Yura An Cafe, a nominally “modern” Japanese sushi restaurant.

The restaurant is bright and has a clean design. There is also an outdoor seating area that offers a broad view of the Rajaprarop – Rama I intersection.

There is a chalk board inside the restaurant playfully explaining the restaurant’s philosophy. “What is special about Japanese food?” “It’s very healthy & delicate and takes lots of skill.”

The Yura An roll, avocado and faux crab meat with fried tempura crumbs. Enjoyable crunch.

Japanese “bruschetta” with smoked salmon and cream cheese.

Fried soft shell crab spring rolls served over salad. Tasty, but a little too much mayonnaise dressing.

Stir fried pork with kim chi served over rice. Very tasty dish.

All in all, a very nice restaurant. Good service, nice ambience and tasty food. Not terribly authentic when it comes to Japanese food, but an interesting mixture of flavors from across Asia.

Drivin’ in a Fast Car

Posted on 5 October 2009 by christao408

While working and listening to my iPod, Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” came up in shuffle mode. A wave of nostalgia washed over me as I thought of where I first heard the song. When I moved to University of California Riverside in January 1990, my first roommate in the dorm was a pre-med student. I don’t even remember his name. He had a stereo and a collection of CDs, one of which was Tracy Chapman’s eponymous debut album.

Unfortunately, introducing me to this new artist was one of the few positive things about my relationship with this roommate. He was in a fraternity and had a drinking problem, coming home very late and very loud time and time again. It got to the point where his fraternity brothers actually apologized to me one night when they had to carry him into the room at three in the morning. They said they were trying to get him to shape up.

On top of it, this roommate had a habit of bringing his girlfriends over and they’d fool around in bed while I was (trying to) sleep on the other side of the room.

After trying to work things out with him, I eventually complained to the residence hall advisor and at the end of that quarter, he was kicked out of the dorm. There are lots of other things I recall from those days. While some were quite good and others were a bit of a pain, they all form kind of a neutral cloud of memories.

At least I found out about Tracy Chapman.

Recap of 2009 BKK Int’l Film Festival

Posted on 3 October 2009 by christao408

The Bangkok International Film Festival 2009 closed Wednesday. After seeing thirteen programs in six days, I was generally impressed with the programming and disappointed with the operations.

As for the festival’s operations, they remain more focused on attracting celebrities unrelated to the films and creating events for hi-so types, rather than on connecting ordinary people with interesting films from around the world.

The interesting films are there – good programming by the Thai Film Directors’ Association – but scheduling is poorly thought out (120 films in 2 venues in 6 days) with few early or late shows and a lot of overlapping of films that would appeal to a similar audience.
Publicity about scheduling was largely missing or, when it did exist, was late. The final schedule wasn’t released until nine days before the shows began. Even then, information was missing on the poorly-designed website. The comprehensive programs guides, which were nicely done, weren’t available until the opening day of the festival, much too late to do any good.
Finally, ticketing policies were a mess. The two cinemas are operated by different chains, one provided some advance tickets, the other did not. Both offered different discount voucher schemes which could only be used for films at their cinema.

As I mentioned, the programming was good. Here are the films I saw that I think you should really make the effort to seek out. With the exception of the final one, they will likely play in your area, either in limited commercial release or as part of a film festival. At the very least, look for them on Netflix.

Agrarian Utopia
Uruphong Raksasad (THAILAND)

Facing seizure of their own lands, two families find themselves farming together on the same field, hoping to get through just another rice-farming season. But no matter how much the world is evolving, how much the country is going through economic, political and social changes, they still cannot grasp that ideology of happiness. This beautifully shot documentary captures the reality of tennant farming and sheds light onto a side of life in developing economies that are far outside the tourism authorities’ camera lens.

Burma VJ
Anders Høgsbro Østergaard (DENMARK)

Armed with small handy cams, undercover “Video Journalists” in Burma keep up the flow of news from their closed country despite risking torture and life in jail. Their material is smuggled out of Burma and broadcast back via satellite. This opportunity to see more footage of the recent uprising in Burma, especially with the foreknowledge of how it all turns out, is stirring, and the story is well-constructed. Geting outside the two-minute briefs from the nightly news provides additional insight into the plight of the Burmese people.

Fixer: The Taking of Ajmal Naqshbandi
Ian Olds (UNITED STATES)

This is a feature-length documentary that follows the relationship between an Afghan interpreter and American journalist Christian Parenti. This intimate portrait of two colleagues shifts dramatically when Ajmal is kidnapped along with an Italian reporter. The situation goes from bad to worse as foreign powers pressure for fast results, the Afghan government bungles its response and the specter of Taliban power looms in the background. What follows is the tragic story of one man forgotten in the crossfire. A bit difficult to watch but an important peek behind the curtain at the personal cost paid by those who try to get the story of their country out to the world.

I Killed My Mother
Xavier Dolan (CANADA)

Cannes Film Festival award-winning director Xaview Dolan tells the semi-autobiographical story of a brash 17-year old who dislikes his mother intensely. He gauges her with contempt, only seeing her out-of-date sweaters, her kitschy decor and the vile bread crumbs that lodge in the corners of her noisy mouth. Confused and torn by a love-hate relationship that obsesses him more and more each day, the young man wanders in and out of an adolescence that is both marginal and typical, combining artistic discovery, openness to friendship, ostracism, and sex. All the while, he is consumed by his all encompassing contempt for this woman he somehow once loved. Very original story and a strong debut film.

Sawasdee Bangkok
Various Directors (THAILAND)

Sawasdee Bangkok is a collection of nine short films that celebrate – and take a long, hard look at – various aspects of Thailand’s capital city. The movies show the lives of Bangkokians big and small, young and old, rich and poor, which altogether form a colorful, complex tapestry of the people and the place known to many as the City of Angels. More cohesive than Paris j’taime, this film serves as a fascinating insight into the city and, despite being funded by a public agency, doesn’t shy away from showing the city’s blemishes.

christao408

The adventures of an expat American who moved to Bangkok for his husband.

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