Reflections on Hospitalization

Friday morning I had a followup chest xray and appointment with my doctor at Bangkok Hospital.  After my third dose of radiation this month I learned that everything has cleared up nicely.  No more antibiotics or other pills for the time-being.

This xray shows my lungs at the start of the infection, the inflamed and congested area in the left lung indicated by the circle.  How anyone can read these things is beyond me, but someone can and that’s the diagnosis they made.

I had expected that my stay in the hospital, my first since being born, would have elicited some insights about mortality, death, the brevity of life, etc.  I expected to sit down and write a few of the “open when you are 18” letters to my nieces with all sorts of nifty insights drawn from the experience of staying alone in the hospital.

But, really, none came.  Maybe I’m just deceiving myself.  Maybe I’m just naive.  But over the past decade I think I’ve already arrived at a realization about my own mortality.  I don’t dwell on my eventual death, mind you, but I am very conscious that my life, and the lives of all those around me, will come to an end.

The summer before I turned sixteen I lost the first of my four grandparents.  My paternal grandfather had a protracted battle with what began as prostrate cancer (yes, I recognize that that is likely the battle for my life I’ll face and I do get screenings) and I cried deeply after losing him.

The same thing happened with two of my early relationships.  When they came to an end, I was devastated, too, certain that I would never love again.

From all this, I’ve recognized the pattern.  All things come into being, grow in maturity, age and decline and eventually die.  People. relationships, possessions – it seems to be true of everything.  And at some level I have made peace with that, so nothing new to report from staying in the hospital.

Of course, I hold out the possibility that I haven’t really learned anything yet, that I am kidding myself when I think I’ve recognized and made peace with this reality that all things go away.