The story of my experiences making friends in a new country, continued from Part 1.   

Tawn’s Experiences

Not long after I turned 30, Tawn moved to the US to study for his Master’s degree.  He went through the process I’m experiencing now: adopting my friends – but generally never feeling a close connection with them – and making new friends locally but often finding the primary common ground was native language or country of origin.

There was one person in particular with whom it seemed certain he would become the best of friends: they were both Thai men from Khrungthep, both in relationships with American men, and both had worked as flight attendants for United Airlines.  Lots in common, right?  Even this was not enough as the friendship faded over time.

After our commitment ceremony in 2004, I spent fourteen months in Kansas City after Tawn preceded me to Thailand.  During that time I didn’t need to make any new friends.  Not only was I busy with work, but I already had my family members and a few long-time friends there.  Plus, just as in Hong Kong, I knew my time there was limited; no need to invest in new friends.

Moving to Thailand

Moving to Thailand in late 2005 I found myself for the first time in my life with a truly blank slate.  There was Tawn, of course, and his friends.  They are nice people and there are a few of them with whom I get on quite well.  But they are his friends, not mine.  They have their own history and secret language, their shared jokes and memories.

From what I can tell, creating friends as an expat is similar to the experience of creating friends any time you move to a new place, compounded by the challenge of a much smaller pool of people with whom you can readily communicate.  Sure, you can – and should – make friends with people with whom you do not share linguistic fluency, but most people will understandably gravitate towards others with whom they can communicate readily.

This is especially true the longer you stay in a place; the novelty of the experience of being in a new land wears off at least a bit, as does the willingness to smile, nod, and just be thankful you have someone – anyone – with whom to hang out.  Eventually, you want to establish real, meaningful friendships rather than simply acquaintances with whom to go do things.

The experience over nearly four years here has been a fascinating one, one that has caused me to really explore the meaning and nature of friendship, one that has enabled me to look closely at my own values and expectations, and one that leaves me smiling wryly at the intricacies of human nature – mine and everyone else’s.

To be continued tomorrow…

The past year has seen a lot of coming and going amongst my friends here in Thailand.  Roka left for Australia, Markus and Tam left for Germany, Stuart and Piyawat moved to Phuket, Todd has returned from Dallas after eighteen months away and other friends are arriving and departing regularly.  The subject of making friends in a new country has been turning over in my mind for almost a year; a blog entry in the making, if you will. 

This is a subject I’ve wanted to write about because the experience of making friends in a new country creates an opportunity for self-reflection: What are my interests and values?  What are my expectations of friendship?  What are the common denominators of my friends?  Most importantly, how do you make friends where none existed before?

I’ll present this in a four-part series of entries.  Sorry that there are no food pictures along the way; I hope you’ll bear with me.

Life in a Nest

For me, this is something of a first in a lifetime experience.  I spent the first 23 years of my life living in the same house.  During that time, I had many occasions to make new friends, but most of the time my friends came from a fairly consistent group of people, mostly classmates or members of my church. 

Graduating to a new school meant meeting new people, but there was always a large group of people around me who spoke my language, attended my classes, and with whom I had a lot in common – even if they came from different countries or cultures than my own, which was often the case.

Even when I started working at age 16, I developed friendships with my coworkers readily.  That is common in most jobs, but it was especially so in my workplace – a cinema – because our work schedule was primarily evenings and weekends, the same times when most other people would be out socializing.

Throughout university, things were much the same.  The friends I made at school were classmates, leaders of other student organizations (I was the president of the gay and lesbian student group), or other disc jockeys at the campus radio station.  Common interests and studies created fast and, in many cases, lasting friendships.

Leaving Home

After nearly a quarter century in the same nest, I moved from the Bay Area down to Los Angeles and then, a year later, to San Diego.  In both cities I continued to work long hours at busy cinemas.  Other than the occasional date here or there and a few university friends who lived nearby, most of my friends were coworkers.  Again, there was not much effort needed to build a circle of friends as people with common interests, experiences and working schedules, were readily at hand.

My first experience having zero friends and having to start from scratch came as I turned 28 and moved overseas for the first time, accepting a three-month assignment in Hong Kong.  Actually, I did have one friend of a friend there and he was very nice about including me in his social circle as my schedule allowed.  Outside of that I did start making some friends but, like most expats who know their time in a place is limited, I didn’t worry about developing a robust circle of friends.  Having a handful of acquaintances with which I could explore the city was enough.

Returning to the US, even as I made new friends, they were always an outgrowth of either existing, long-established friends or they were coworkers or other people I met through work.  Because of the “friend of a friend” nature of this networking, most people I met and all of the friends I made were essentially “pre-screened”: their interests and values, while diverse, were generally compatible with mine.

Continued in Part 2…