Dear Khun Abby,
I am a farang (foreigner) living as an ex-pat in Bangkok, Thailand with my Thai partner of nearly eight years. In the time we’ve been together, I’ve made a lot of effort to try to understand the Thai culture, including learning to speak, read and write the language, and be aware of and sensitive to the customs, manners, etiquette and social expectations of Thais.
While I know that it can take a lifetime to really learn another culture, I think I’ve done a pretty good job learning and applying what I’ve learned. I base this on “Thais tell Thais” feedback, where other Thais have complimented my partner on my manners, appropriate behavior, etc.
But this isn’t about me, Khun Abby. Living here, I’ve met many other farang, both in relationships and looking for relationships. Many of them have had success in learning the culture, too, and make a lot of effort to be sensitive to Thai expectations. But there are also many times when I observe some of them do things that are taboo, impolite, or unrefined by Thai standards.
At first, I thought this was just haughty arrogance on my part. “I’m better than they are” type of thinking. But the “Thais tell Thais” network suggests there is more to it than that. The Thais in our social group comment on some of the things they do. Even their own partners comment about it in a “oh, well, what can you do?” sort of way.
Some of the things are pretty minor – table manners, for example – while others are a bit more important and involve language use and interpersonal communication. But all these actions reflect on them and, in a society that values the concept of “face” so highly, the actions reflect on their partners and potential partners.
Khun Abby, what do I do – or do I do anything – to make other farang aware of these standards, manners and expectations? I know that they have the best of intentions and aren’t doing these things on purpose, but I also know that I’ll come across as either prissy or a know-it-all if I try to gently mention these things.
“Let a Thai tell them,” you say? Maybe, except that one of the tantamount aspects of Thai culture is not to cause others to lose face, so it is better just to smile away the conflict than to confront it.
Thank you for any advice you can provide.
Khap khun khrap,
Caring in Khrunghtep
christao408 
Dear Caring in Khrunghtep,Other Farangs might be thinking what did they do wrong and how come no one even tried to correct them? Maybe you should start a “support group” or a “class” offering the knowledge you know or exchange information among all the other Farang. Maybe you will also learn things you don’t already know.Since you are a Farang yourself, I think you got a little bit of slack on making mistakes or acting non-Thai. And people will also give you some slack for that.To be very honest, no matter how you think you are involved in that culture or how you have transformed, you will never be part of that culture because of your skin color. People would always give you the curious look, and observe just to how you can blend in the culture, as if they don’t expect you to know but if you do just a little, they are surprised.You might think that couples in an inter-cultural relationships will expect less from each other in a sense of any culture-related details. You’d be surprised to learn that the academic research showed the opposite. Anyways, I think you and your partner do a good job though. Props to you!Good luck!! š
I’m not sure if there is anything you can do aside from leading by example. Perhaps your blog will have caused some of them to pause and ponder about their behavior.
I usually do not mind the foreigners since this is not their cultures. I think you can inform them if you think it is an appropriate time. It may depend on case by case basis.
About the “face” thing, I really tired of it!
You are such a kind person Chris. So caring. Your partner is indeed fortunate to have someone like you in his life. In this country, the USA, I am a farangi too. When I moved here, forty years ago, the difference in color and mannersims was more pronounced than it is now.
I learnt to adapt, changed my clothing a little, learnt to say hello to strangers on the road, and learnt to eat other foods besides rice and curries. I started interacting with other americans, reading about mannerisms, the way to behave when invited to various dinner parties and functions, and gradually I started to ” blend ” in if I could use the word.
We develped a small India of our own, and we would discuss the daily practices of our lives… and how we were coping with the situation. We learnt by our mistakes, and tried very hard to not make waves.
No one can do any thing about my skin color or yours. ( Unless you are Michael Jackson.) But if you can let your other farangi friends know how you have led your life in that part of the world, and how sensitive and caring you have been to please a proud and dignified population, I think your friends will undrstand. Have an informal meeting in your place or somewhere else, and ask their concerns and make your contributions. They will appreciate that, and in that way, you would have laid the foundation for better understanding and mingling of cultures.
I am not trying to be a preacher of sorts, but I have gone through what you are feeling and seeing. Its just my two cents worth.
All the best.
Dear Caring in Khrunghtep,Every basket has a few bad apples, so it’s unrealistic to expect them all come in the same conditions. But if most of the apples in the basket is bad, it’s time to through them all together in the trash and get a new basket of apples with good quality. Yours truly, Abby.