The story of my experiences making friends in a new country, continued from Part 1.
Tawn’s Experiences
Not long after I turned 30, Tawn moved to the US to study for his Master’s degree. He went through the process I’m experiencing now: adopting my friends – but generally never feeling a close connection with them – and making new friends locally but often finding the primary common ground was native language or country of origin.
There was one person in particular with whom it seemed certain he would become the best of friends: they were both Thai men from Khrungthep, both in relationships with American men, and both had worked as flight attendants for United Airlines. Lots in common, right? Even this was not enough as the friendship faded over time.
After our commitment ceremony in 2004, I spent fourteen months in Kansas City after Tawn preceded me to Thailand. During that time I didn’t need to make any new friends. Not only was I busy with work, but I already had my family members and a few long-time friends there. Plus, just as in Hong Kong, I knew my time there was limited; no need to invest in new friends.
Moving to Thailand
Moving to Thailand in late 2005 I found myself for the first time in my life with a truly blank slate. There was Tawn, of course, and his friends. They are nice people and there are a few of them with whom I get on quite well. But they are his friends, not mine. They have their own history and secret language, their shared jokes and memories.
From what I can tell, creating friends as an expat is similar to the experience of creating friends any time you move to a new place, compounded by the challenge of a much smaller pool of people with whom you can readily communicate. Sure, you can – and should – make friends with people with whom you do not share linguistic fluency, but most people will understandably gravitate towards others with whom they can communicate readily.
This is especially true the longer you stay in a place; the novelty of the experience of being in a new land wears off at least a bit, as does the willingness to smile, nod, and just be thankful you have someone – anyone – with whom to hang out. Eventually, you want to establish real, meaningful friendships rather than simply acquaintances with whom to go do things.
The experience over nearly four years here has been a fascinating one, one that has caused me to really explore the meaning and nature of friendship, one that has enabled me to look closely at my own values and expectations, and one that leaves me smiling wryly at the intricacies of human nature – mine and everyone else’s.
To be continued tomorrow…
christao408 
I find this very interesting. I had wanted to ask how you were received by Tawn’s friends. Have any of them become close friends? I’ll check in again tomorrow.
…This “To be continued” stuff is feeling like an episode of the The Bionic Woman. And not the new version either but the old where even Big Foot couldn’t lift the sagging ratings. 😛
Interesting for me to read such a post early this morning, as I was discussing this very topic with Dave last night. Your second to last paragraph couldn’t be an truer, and unfortunately, I still find myself only hanging out with acquaintances. Have you become close to Tawn’s friends, or have you made your own close friends? If so, are they native English speakers and how did you meet them? Now, on to check out Part 1…
yay…I love hearing about your experience :DSpeaking of gravitating towards others with similar background…an observation since I moved to the west coast I’ve discovered that people tend to stick to their own kind…It’s not language proficiency, but I don’t understand it either.
@ElusiveWords – @euphorie – Since I don’t really go into any more detail in my story, I’ll answer your question here. While Tawn’s friends are nice people and many of them make an effort to engage me in conversation, etc. I haven’t become close to any of them. There are two or three of my friends in the US with whom Tawn has become relatively close – they might hang out without me present. I can’t imagine any of Tawn’s friends calling me up and inviting me out if Tawn was out of town on work, for example.Tiffany – I’ll respond to the rest of your question in parts 3 and 4.@Wangium – Glad you like hearing about my experiences, Jason. Do you find that phenomenon of people sticking to their own kind only on the west coast? I’ve observed that it seems a pretty common phenomenon all over the world.
It tooks me years to adjust to living abroad (Amsterdam) especially as Northern Europeans are not known for their openness to new people or experiences. It took me years to cultivate real friendships. It may not be as many as I had in the States but the ones I do have I can really count on..it takes them a lot longer to warm up to you (inherent European reserve/suspicion ) but once they do they really care about what happens to you.. It takes just a few good friends to enrich your life.
When I was younger (younger being anytime before a year ago), I made nearly all of my friends through church or some Christian organization, and now that I’ve left that scene, I find that I have to be considerably more aggressive, socially, to make friends, even here at school. I have been very social throughout the years, and have built up quite a lot of social connections, but as I look to moving across the world to S.Korea post-grad, I’m getting more and more nervous about my social health. Reading these ‘guides’ is comforting, so please, keep them up!
@snowjunky8 – Thanks for sharing that perspective; I really like hearing about other expats’ experiences with these types of challenges/situations. Nice to know I’m not alone.
I kind of find myself in the period of knowing that I probably don’t have too much longer in this exact area and therefore, I don’t feel like I need to invest in friends right now
you could have written about me…. it feels so like my feelings, on paper. I too had similar feelings when I arrived here, even though I knew English very well, and could easily talk to people, it always felt like I was outside the main door.
@ZSA_MD – I’ve realized that there are a whole number of people who read my blog who have had similar experiences, from being expats to being immigrants. That must be one of the common bonds we share.
I guess it’s only so comparing east coast to west coast…or maybe it’s an age group thing