Generally speaking, I’m a “the more, the merrier” type of guy. For example, several invited guests for our recent Thanksgiving dinner called me just a day or two beforehand asking if it would be okay to bring an extra person.
“Absolutely,” I responded without hesitation.
There are some times, though, when I think that more isn’t merrier. And I’m not sure how to gracefully handle those situations.
For example, when I am trying to introduce people (one person or a couple) from one social circle to people from another social circle. In these circumstances, it can be very overwhelming to the “outsider” to introduce them to a lot of people at once. There are many names, faces and details to remember and, unless the seating arrangement at the table is really conducive to a lot of interaction, they usually only get to talk extensively with those people seated closest to them.
There is a difference in these situation based on the setting. A meal that takes place at a long rectangular table, a round table, and a party where people can circulate, entering and exiting different conversations, are entirely different circumstances for introducing people from different social circles.
What might be very effective guest lists in a party might not work so well at a table, especially a rectangular one where eye contact is limited to those adjacent to you. The ideal there is a round table seating six to eight.
The circumstances get even more challenging when there are multiple groups being combined: party A has only vaguely met party B and party C has not met either party A or B. Seating arrangements become critical then.
So I find myself in these situations where I invite specific people to a meal with the purpose of introducing them, and I find the invitation “hijacked” (forgive the expression) and other people invited, creating a guest list that doesn’t work as well. Sometimes the hijacking is run by me in a way where I can tactfully suggest that I’d like to keep the guest list limited. Other times I feel like there isn’t a tactful way for me to say no and so we wind up with a different dynamic.
Control freak? Maybe. Perhaps I’m just a social engineer. But I think about situations where I’ve been invited to meet other people over a meal. When it is a fairly small group, I’ve felt more comfortable, found it easier to interact with each of the people, and afterwards have walked away feeling like I made a meaningful connection with the other people.
Part of the challenge is that in our larger social group here in Khrungthep, there are two types of get-togethers we have and I think the distinction between the two is sometimes fuzzy. We have general group meals where the number of invitees can expand or contract easily. Usually, these include only people who already know each other. But we also have meals that are more purposeful, usually to introduce specific friends or visitors to other people with whom they may have common interests. And it isn’t always clear who “owns” the invitation rights in those situations.
Maybe I need to be specific when I send out the invitations by SMS: “I am inviting you and only these following people (A, B, C…) to lunch.” I hate to be such a meanie about it.
What do you think?
christao408 
Wow! I have never really thought about this. But whatever you wrote here makes a lot of sense and I don’t think it makes you a meanie.
It is an art to introduce people, being to a few or to many. It depends on the context and the social event at hand. I am sure you’re good at it for either situation (introducing few or many).
You ARE the “Social Director”. My rule is that in those instances where a written invitation is sent, there is the clear designation of who is being invited. When there are casual verbal, e-mail, or notes left on ny desk, I assume that the party guest list is more flexible and have no qualms about asking the host if I can include additional guests. When turning down requests to include others – I always try to make sure I let them know that another event is coming up where I would be “honored” if you brought X&Y along. If you can give me their contact information I’ll send them an invitation. If they are people I know, I just say not this time and tell them why. I bet that is why my social circle is small. lol.
I like this topic. It’s one that is never really spelled out in a rule book. I think the hostess-with-the-mostess should definitely have complete control over number of guests if necessary. I feel that the invite should always explicitly layout the terms in a friendly and fun way. “You are exclusively invited to ________ and will be joined by the following guests: a, b, c”. I don’t know, it feels fun to be exclusively invited and gives it a VIP feeling. :o)
as a guest , I usually respect the host’s decision, and will not ask to bring anyone who’s not on the list……
I feel you are over-thinking this. Sometimes it is fun to throw folks together and just see what happens. It can be awkward sometimes but eventually people do find a way to converse with the folks they want and have commonalities with. Just let it happen…
Ah, you have missed your calling–you should have been a diplomat. 🙂 This is a thoughtful discussion. And I agree–guests should respect the wishes of the host.
Sandy has a point, but sometimes the host(ess) has a specific purpose in mind and that must be respected by the invited guests. As a guest, I need to take responsibility to communicate with my host. If it is not appropriate for my guest to be included, then I need to decline the invitation and entertain my guest, or let my guest know that I have other plans for that time period and, perhaps, we could get together on a different occasion, or they will need to entertain themselves for that time period. It all comes down to communication.
I used to be like you. When people would hear that I am having a party they would themselves call and ask if they can come, or some guests would call to ask if they could bring another couple. I never said no. I started myself running thin on my own entertaining… and saw that the guests I would ‘ honor ‘ and invite along with some of their friends , didn’t have to graciousness to reciprocate; but every time they would see me they would always remark about how wonderful a time they had at my place, and their next question would be…” when is your next party? Don’t forget to include us.” Well of course that got old. Now when people ask if they can bring some one else, I rudely tell them…’ hmm not this time. They have already been here more than once. ‘ They have started getting the hint now and think I am an arrogant so and so.
I think it’s fine to be firm about it. If I was a guest and the invite didn’t say that I could bring one, I know not to ask. But then again… maybe I’m just old fashioned.
Hmmm… WWMMD? (‘Cause personally, I’m not touching this one with a ten foot pole!)Just want to say congratulations on the choice of Abhisit Vejjajiva as the new PM. Hopefully, a majority of Thai’s will give him the chance he deserves. I thought he was very educated and articulate at the dinner.
@marc11864 – We’ll see how Abhisit does. The deck is mighty stacked against him between the economy and the political unrest, but I’m hopeful.
@agmhkg – @jojobaDESIGNS – @ElusiveWords – @Dezinerdreams – @chrispycrunch – @kenpcho – Thanks for your comments on the entry about invitation etiquette. It was an interesting discussion. Ultimately, I’m sure I need to relax a bit on the issue as it isn’t the end of the world.
@stebow – @jandsschultz – Thanks for your comments. Yeah, I agree that I shouldn’t worry too much about it. Interesting connections do get made and serendipity can’t play out if the guest list is too rigid. In one recent meal, though, the people whom I had invited specifically because I wanted them to meet, ended up not having much of a chance to interact because of a combination of too many people, personal styles that didn’t gel very well, and a seating arrangement that pulled the main conversation to one corner of the table.
@christao408 – Sometimes, a little hope is all we need. 🙂