Today is Tawn’s father’s birthday. As a good Thai son, Tawn will join his parents this morning to go to their neighborhood Buddhist temple and feed the monks. This way they will acquire merit on this auspicious day.
Tonight, Tawn will return to his parents’ house for dinner, where they will likely be joined by the many aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and cousins that live nearby for a birthday dinner.
I have a conference call with my boss at 8:00.
That’s not to say that I chose a conference call over celebrating my father-in-law’s birthday. Unfortunately, though, we’re still not over the hump of Khun Sudha (“Khun” being an honorific equivalent to “Mister”) embracing his son’s gayness and farang partner.
Left: A rare photo of the four of us together, taken when Tawn’s parents came to San Francisco for a visit in (I think) 2002.
I’m an optimist, though. We’ve made it over the hump of acknowledging the situation already. We’re making some progress climbing the windward side of the hump of accepting the situation. So it seems that with enough patience we will make it to the third hump at some point in the future.
It tears Tawn apart, though, as he sees himself as stuck in the middle between his parents (really, just his father as his mother is very embracing) and me. But I’m a “glass half full” type and think that we’ll get there eventually. All it takes is a large does of understanding, something needed from both sides.
I’ll have to spend some time today thinking about whether or not it is appropriate to send a birthday card to a father-in-law who would rather not have to confront my existence. And what exactly do you write in such situations?
christao408 
How about, ” hey father in law, can you open your eyes and see how happy Tawn is ?” I believe you were in a similar situation last year also Chris. I am so sorry about this alienation. I truly hope that you will be accepted by the entire family.
Most asian fathers are conservative, and take time to accept any change from the tradition. You know, if Tawn marries a western girl or anyone not from Thailand, they may get similar treatments. lol. I would give his father more time to adjust! This is not easy to handle, and glad you are very thoughtful and senstive to his feelings. If I were you, I may ask Tawn whether you should send a birthday card or hear his suggestions. An alterantive maybe to treat dad-in-law lunch or dinner, without mentioning it is for his birthday. lol. At the appropriate moment, you may say “Happy Birthday” in Thai. That would built good relationship. Even if there is no opportunity to say that, as long as you, Tawn and his mom know your intention, that is good enough. Tawn is so lucky to have you, hehe.
So I’ve always wondered… How does one go about feeding monks? Do you set up a buffet? Bring them each a McDonald’s combo meal? Enlist a ton of your friends, each of you making casseroles, salads, desserts, drinks, etc.? Do you feed them for an entire day? What if someone else was already planning to feed them that same day and you both show up with food? Is there a sign-up sheet for each day’s meal(s) to prevent that? These are questions that keep me up late at night.
I applaud your sense of optimism and also your patience and understanding. I like Steve’s advice – maybe he would feel better if it was just a small dinner with you and Tawn? Hopefully he’ll see beyond the superficial and rather look at the strength and love in your relationship with Tawn. *hugs*
Just be even more patient… I guess in due course of time you will be able to resolve the issues.
Like above comment, I confirm that Asian father is mostly conservative. Even myself, it might look like everything’re totally fine and my family really get along well with my boyfriend. I think my dad’s not totally accept that from his word or gesture in sometimes. I just wish that someday when he wake up he’ll totally understand me.
happy birthday to tawn’s father!
Time has a way of healing divides. All you can do is continue to be your wonderful self and be kind to Tawn and hopefully Tawn’s father will eventually see how happy you make Tawn. I think above all, all parents really want is to see their children happy.
I somewhat agree with Steve also. During the time when I was with my ex, I found out most Thai (Asian) fathers are quite conscious of the family’s “face” value. I was introduced as a friend only, but not the status of his partner. Do you notice most Thais (in BKK) are very aware of one’s social status? Anyway, to make a long story short, I’m sure Tawn’s father is happy deep in his heart that his son found someone to settle with (as evidenced by the acceptance of your mom-in-law). Humps….bumps…..not to worry!!
Patience…it will happen in its own time.
I know it can be hard for both of you but I wish you the best 🙂 Maybe you should have a little grand kid for him (not sure it’s a good idea 🙂
well wish you all the best =) here is my lucky star ☆ good luck =p
“And what exactly do you write in such situations?”Indeed, what? Why not start with the basics and then go from there? “Happy Birthday Khun Sudha. May you have many more!”, is always welcome when it comes from the heart. 🙂
Oh yes, this is an opportunity to pry open the doors to the heart a bit. My thoughts are with you and Tawn.
@ZSA_MD – Thanks for your kind words. Thankfully, I don’t really view it as alienation, just as a protracted period of getting to know each other. Really painful shyness.
@stevew918 – Thanks, Steve. Actually, I think that anyone that Tawn married, even if it was a Thai girl, would face a similar level of acceptance (or lack thereof) because I think, deep down, Tawn’s father doesn’t want to share his only child with anyone else.
@UFFda_oyVEY – Good questions. Why don’t I write a complete entry about it soon?
@ElusiveWords – Matt, thanks for the kind words. Unfortunately, Khun Sudha made clear that once I moved to Thailand, he and I could not occupy the same space at the same time. Kind of a matter-antimatter thing. I figure when the day comes that he is bed-ridden and I have to be the one to give him a sponge bath, we’ll become much closer! =)
@Dezinerdreams – Thanks
@blue_beau – Thanks for your thoughts. I guess when I read your blog, it looks to me like the perfect Thai family: completely accepting of you and your boyfriend. Interesting to hear that your father still isn’t totally accepting. What is it with fathers!?
@TheCheshireGrins – What you say is true. I think parents do want to see their children happy and I wonder if Tawn’s father’s distance isn’t more a fear he has that gay relationships don’t really last and will only lead to unhappiness for Tawn in the future.
@curry69curry – Thanks for the comments, Curry. I’d actually be fine to be introduced as Tawn’s “friend”… sadly, we don’t get to that point yet. One of these days…
@sagicaprio – Thanks for your comments, Tae. Actually, we have discussed children (various combinations of adoption and artificial insemination with a surrogate mom) but haven’t found a way in the Thai legal system where we could both be legal guardians. The child would definitely have to be Tawn’s biological offspring to gain Khun Sudha’s acceptance.
@lcfu – Thanks for the lucky star. I’ll print it out and carry it with me! =)
@marc11864 – Hallmark has these great “to my estranged father-in-law” cards. Truly, something for everyone!
Your photo reminded me of how I fear what the result of my family meeting my man’s family could result in. I’m very encouraged by how you face these hurdles. I think I’ll have to subscribe to you for guidance. Hope you don’t mind. :o)
@kenpcho – Not sure if my guidance will lead you in a good direction or not! I’m always happy to help but do so at your own risk! Ha ha…
Dear all,
I am very touch by all your concerns and shared point of view. I am such a lucky person to have Chris as my understanding partner. His family welcomes me greatly, and I really enjoy being around them. I hope one day faamily will have a chance to do that in return.
Thank you all for the comments.
Take care,
Tawn
Have faith. As a parent I can say that you have a ideal fantasy of how your child will grow into as an adult, but it’s obviously not going to be that fantasy, no matter who kid it is. Everone turns into their own person, dispite their parents. When children get to the point of making life-changing decisions on their own, it’s almost like a death to the parents dream. Then the parent needs to come to an acceptance, which may take some time. It can only be worse for the parent of an only child. I wouldn’t know about that, I have four. Patience and cooking for your in laws in your home can really open up doors. Good luck. :o)
@socaltransplant – Thank you for those very kind and insightful words. Much appreciated.